There are certain experiences and events that belong to the “this would never happen to you” category. Pregnancy. This would never happen to me. Losing an arm or a leg. This would never happen to me. My boyfriend cheating with my sister. This would never happen to me. Cancer. This would never happen to me. Losing both my parents in one day. This would never happen to me. But it did. I was watching Girls on Putlocker with my best friend. The internet kept lagging and I was like, “why is this happening to me?” My phone rang and it was my sister. I didn’t pick up, I would call her after the episode. She kept calling and I thought she had a stupid fight with her stupid boyfriend again. I picked up, she was crying and she told me our parents had an accident coming back home from our aunt’s house. They went to the hospital and died there before they found their identities and our cell phone numbers; we weren’t at home. I can’t remember my reaction. I was crying and screaming and asking questions and I was sure this was a dream, one of those that when you wake up you’re relieved because it was just a dream. I kept asking, “is this happening is this happening is this really happening?” It was happening. I lost everything. I kept projecting the image of me sitting on the couch with both of them. This image was stuck in my head for hours of crying. I was sitting on the floor crying for more than an hour. My friend’s mum picked me up, put me on the bed gave me a pill to sleep. I don’t have a mum anymore. I don’t have a dad anymore. I lost everything. I will never talk to my dad or to my mum ever again. Ever again. I don’t think there will be a day in the future when I will say those words and not cry. It is impossible to say those words and not cry. The last time I talked to them I hung up in a rush to do something stupid. I want my mum and my dad back and I can’t have them. Now it’s like I don’t have answers or solutions to any of my problems. My sister has the unfair role of dealing with the money stuff, the funeral stuff, the house stuff. Me, I’m just crying. I quit university, I quit life, sometimes I answer the phone calls from my friends but I don’t feel like going out, I just hang out with them inside and sometimes I cry. They are all careful of what to say around me and I hate that, but if they didn’t I would hate them more. I look at other people and I am sure they are and will be happier than me. I find everything completely pointless. Shop windows, or the internet, or people in general. I find everything unsafe. I feel like something will happen to me and I won’t have money to deal with it. I feel like I’m poor and alone and more grown-up than I want to be because I don’t have a grown- up looking after me. How do you move on after this? How do you look at other people in a nice way? How is it possible to listen to other people and actually listen to them without a big cloud of sadness covering everything? No doctor can give me the answer. No relative, no friend, no movie, no pill. The pain is not mental. I feel physical pain in my stomach. I want people to pity me and give attention to my misery. I want people to treat this as the most important thing in the world and give me answers and be my parents. Chances are I run onto something that will remind me of my parents because everyone has parents, or wears Chanel perfume like my mum.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this because I can’t write a conclusion or give a tip on how to get over something like this. I just have to say that I will demand my misery to be noticed as if I broke both my legs and hands, and if someone feels such pain that makes them numb they should do the same until they feel ok.
Thanks for listening,